to preface, i know being alternative being going against the norm, meaning people are obviously going to have opinions, because people tend to not like what they don't understand or whatever is simply just "too different". but i think there is a difference between not liking something and just... moving on compared to going out of your way to make somebody feel awful about the way they look because YOU dont like it.

an amalgamation of things have caused this. i went on instagram to respond to a few messages and found that instagram's entire layout is fucked up now modelled after making watching reels a priority.
accidently tapped on the reels icon because it has replaced the search icon and was met with a video that asked "alt people, what made you return to being 'basic'?". i didn't bother checking the comments, infact i just scrolled past. but it did make me think about why some people stop 'being alt'...

i often get asked why i stopped dying my hair. i used to change my hair colour once a month, and i would have atleast 3 colours in my hair at a time (i really need to work on that hairstyle page). and while i stopped dying my hair, i still use coloured braiding hair to scratch that itch because i love having coloured hair.

but there is something about those constant questions i get, and how people emphasize that i used to look so "unique". they dont bother me too much per say but it does upset me a little because i wish i was confident enough to dye my hair funky colours again. i sometimes feel like im being peer pressured into it because its what people expect of me.

I'm also just... not a 16 year old with loads of time on their hands anymore? i have way too many responsibilities, adding retouching my roots to the list of things i have to do will just irritate me more.

it is very interesting though, that the people who constantly ask me about my looks were the same people who hoped my hair would fall out from all the bleach and dye, who would bully me and make fun of my hair... now you wonder why i no longer want to dye it? and its not just that, in general people treat me alot better when my hair is its natural colour. whenever i dye it, people are very stand off-ish and just arent nice to me even when i'm being respectful. it happens alot less when my hair is in its natural state.

I currently have bright green braids and when people notice those braids they go full force with the disrespect. it makes me cry because when i manage to hide the green people are just... normal with me. i think this is probably the case for alot of people who "went back to being basic" - the bullying and disrespect is ALOT and its not easy just trying to ignore how people treat you when it happens ALL THE TIME.

"JUST IGNORE THE HATERS"... its easier said than done! i know for me, it happens everywhere, on public transport, in a store, even at univeristy sometimes. especially for those who have been bullied for the majority of their lives, if you are able to find a way to stop people from treating you poorly/abusing you, you're going to take that chance. its why i stick to synthetic funky colours in my hair , because people cant handle others wanting to express themselves and they will revert back to their teenage selves and bully the fuck out of you so you force yourself to fit in.

i still express myself, i dont care that much about what others think. yes, it may make me cry or angry for a day but i don't hold on to it forever - i dress for myself and nobody else so who cares about what they think? those reactions are usually due to people being insecure and wanting everybody else to feel the same way they do. i still have coloured hair, just not in the way people are expecting me to.

i have definitely toned down my look and i know my 16 year old self would think im a little boring now but i wrote all of this out just to say that i understand why some people stop looking the way they do sometimes.

i know i have only been on these dating apps for a week. but once again... being a lesbian is so isolating.

i keep coming across couples who are looking for a third, cishet men just... casually sitting on a SAPPHIC dating app, and even though my profile states i want a BUTCH or a STUD i still get likes from people expirimenting/arent masculine lesbians?

i know the right person will come around i think i just need find another means. mainly because butch lesbians aren't that common on dating apps. i've found that most butches are taken or aren't on any apps because people are weird about lesbian masculinity.

dating apps are the worst and are probably only good for those who want to hook up or look for friends (thank you bumble BFF!).

i've always been one to push back against dating apps. too many horror stories. there are some apps like breeze that remove the ghosting aspect for example, by removing the chat option and forcing you to meet whoever you matched with in person. but i dont think thats enough.

i for one do not like apps anyway. i love a website. i spend more time on my computer than my phone!

i constantly think about this old butch-femme dating site/forum called, well, BUTCH-FEMME.COM. its no longer a thing because social media caused the death of many a forum, but there are no other sites that are strictly BF (unless i havent been looking hard enough). and i fear it wouldnt be the same anymore. but i wish so badly it was still around.

i see people say social media is the best dating app, like twitter and tumblr but i would argue they are THEE WORST. especially if the person is pretty popular on whatever platform, you will be used as material for posts they hope will go viral and everything will feel like a performance when you are with them (trust me, i know).

i think, i have to start going to in person events, speed dating, singles nights, fuck, even the fucking gym, bars and gigs - heavy on the last one, if i want to meet someone who likes the same music as me i have to start going to more gigs. but i am so used to sitting in my room listening to music and daydreaming.

probably the last thing i say. but here is my list of reasons why i stopped collecting records:

• i always buy my music secondhand. problem with most secondhand records ive bought, they always end up warped or scratched and the record skips while im trying to listen. i dont have this problem with my CDs


• the price... CDs at the moment are pretty cheap. vinyl had this huge resurgence in the mid 2010s and its been downhill ever since. i love a smaller independent record store so i understand why the prices are like that but i hate going to a FOPP or HMV and see that disgusting "2 vinyl for £90" sticker... wtf!! why is one record £45?


• all these labels exploiting the medium by adding one extra track an album. probably why they cost so much now too


• i dont have the space for a proper set up. i have one of those cheap suitcase turntables and thats all im willing to get. storing them is also annoying and theyre just so fragile idk i love that CD cases and cassette cases are the way they are!!!

i will always get the odd vinyl if its cheap and i love EVERY SONG on the album. but im ok with CD!